Vulnerability & Happiness
I love this TED talk! (Thank you, Heather!) It’s twenty minutes long. It’s one of those talks that has tons of buried treasure, but could’ve been a little more focused.
Very worth a listen, though.
To sum up, in her research and work, Brene Brown discovered that the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging have it because they believe they’re worthy of it. And even more, they fully embrace vulnerability—that’s not to say they enjoy the discomfort of vulnerability, but they believe it’s a necessary part of welcoming love and connection into their lives.
I think she and they are right.
The things that unravel vulnerability, and thus the feeling of love and belonging, are fear and shame. Not sharing out of shame, not risking rejection out of fear: these things cause loneliness and a loss of belonging.
There’s nothing to lose in being vulnerable, though: when we’re vulnerable, we risk rejection, yes—but choosing not to be vulnerable doesn’t protect us from rejection; we end up being the ones rejecting connection with another human being.
Either way, worst case scenario, we are disconnected.
If, on the other hand, we risk vulnerability, then we have a chance at connection and greater intimacy.
My favorite lesson from the video is that if you numb the uncomfortable feelings, like fear and shame, then the happy and joyful feelings get numbed, too.
Here is a lovely image I stole from her website:
What do you think?
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Natasha Fondren is a writer traveling the U.S. in a camper with her four cats. She is currently enjoying the lizards and desert heat in Arizona.
I sometimes wonder how any of us can believe we deserve it. I know myself too well.
Awww, Charles! I choose to believe we deserve it by virtue of existing.
I don’t know. I just don’t really think about these sorts of things so analytically or deeply or whatever. If you have to think real hard about being authentic, how authentic is that? I am sure basically it is all correct but not my approach!
LOL! This is a good point! Being authentic is relatively new to me. It’s not that I was inauthentic before, it was just that when I was teaching, I was always what my students needed at the time. I never had time or space to just be myself!
I meant, though, to explain how important vulnerability is to my writing, but… I’m having such trouble formulating blog thoughts, lately!
It’s funny that I told two people this morning that I believe my writing is good and my books will sell well. So I guess I already think I deserve it.
Natasha, you show your feelings in your blogs, probably more than any writer I know. So, you’re good there.
You DO deserve it, Edie! You definitely do! I’m so excited about your career!
I hate to say it, but I’ve learned (the VERY hard way,) that to be disconnected from people is the only way to maintain the last shreds of sanity I have left. I’m not punishing myself to take this stand–I’m liberating myself from a great deal of BS & pain.
That can be liberating, for sure! I’m sorry you went through so much BS! *hugs*
Sorry i have not wrote in a while.Maybe its like what you wrote. I”m afraid of rejection. I remember when i would call you would answer the phone and i would want to tell you how much i love you.Then again theres that word again.I was afraid of rejection not only from you,but i was afraid if i told you my mom would never let me call again.I love you both. I”m getting strong i have 2 beautiful daughters and 2 granchidren and a great mother.LOVE YOU TASHA ALWAYS.
There is always so much to be grateful for. I appreciated your words when you called, and it’s kind of you to write when you’re able. I think we’re all afraid of rejection!
I LOVE this post, Tasha! I am SO with you on risk and vulnerability. It comes down to our value systems and our own personal experience of pain: would it be more painful to risk and be hurt, or to not take a chance and miss out? For me it’s almost always the latter. Some people do not enter into relationships because the emotional vulnerability is much more painful than the pain of being alone; others, vice versa. This is not a judgment on either decision; both are the right choices based on the people involved. But it’s a GREAT topic; so glad you posted it!
I forgot to say that this very thought process was what finally gave me the courage to have children. I was extremely fearful of what I would lose in my life with such a massive change, but then I ultimately realized that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t at least try. It was the biggest risk and most difficult decision of my life, and also by FAR the best!
Thanks again for posting such wonderful stuff on your blog, Tasha – I always love reading it! XO
Darcy, that’s a great point! You are one of the best mothers I know. You are so loving and big in spirit! And thank you so much for being such a wonderful, supportive friend!
*hugs*
Natasha, thanks so much for the link to Dr. Brown. How had I not heard of her before?! We do live in a world where it isn’t safe to share ourselves, and she is right on the money about the lack of civility in society being related to this. I will be learning more about her.
At work I recently became a Speed of Trust facilitator. Stephen M.R. Covey, son of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Stephen Covey, has this book that talks about how creating a workplace where trust is high actually translates into tremendous financial savings (basically, everything can happen a LOT faster). It’s an interesting book that talks about self-trust, workplace, market, and societal trust. One of the key themes is SMART trust–you have to be discerning about who you trust.
Growing up, we don’t have a choice about who we’re going to trust: we have our parents, teachers, and others to whom our little lives are entrusted. And of course not all of these people are necessarily trustworthy, whether it comes to our fragile little psyches or our physical security. I know that I have benefited from working with a couple of great therapists on deprogramming myself from the pressure of having a perfectionistic mother (which led to a fear of not getting things right, which led to a fear of not even starting them, which led to many an academic failure!). I was able to become comfortable with (and grateful for) who I am and the gifts that God has given me, and even for my failures, which are actually a heck of a learning tool and part of the process of creating. I have a perspective on life that nobody else has, and this unique perspective is the only reason that I would dare to write anything to share with others.
Each of us has a unique perspective, and that is one of the things that makes writing (and reading) so wonderful–it is a vehicle for getting into someone else’s head and trying on their ideas and philosophies and experiences. We keep what works for us and chuck (or modify) the rest.
Natasha, thanks for provoking some good contemplation. And thanks for creating a safe place for people to share on your blog.
Wow, that sounds like a great work environment! I really respected his work on bullying in schools, and I’m happy to hear he’s still doing good things.
That’s a great place to be. I’m often tempted to wish certain bits of my past away, but I wouldn’t be me anymore, so I gotta treasure all those mistakes, I guess.
Thanks for your comment, Ellen!
Natasha, I should add that I still don’t think I’ve arrived at anything close to an authentic life–I’m too entwined with all things corporate for that to be true. I salute you and your readers who are writing for a living and literally putting yourselves out there to thrive or survive (let’s not say “live or die,” even if we know it is hyperbole) on your talent, discipline, and craft of writing. I know that we’re all on our own path, but I think the “scenic route” that you and a lot of your readers are on is VERY exciting!
Hah! And I think your regular paychecks and health insurance are mysterious wonders of the earth! If I had corporate skills…
The other side is always fascinating!