This, My 38th Year
So you already know today’s my birthday, since most of you are on Facebook. When I was little, a birthday was cause for celebration because I wanted to get older. And I wanted to get older because I wanted freedom. And then I wanted respect. And gradually, a birthday was a cause for celebration simply because I’d managed to survive another crazy year on this earth.
This year, though?
I feel total terror.
I pretty much feel like the rest of my life, all my future possible happiness and worth as a human being, rides on how much money I make and what I manage to do in this next year—all so that I can have kids.
No pressure or anything.
I am so terrified, I can’t tell you.
Don’t Get Pregnant was drilled into me from a very early age, so somewhere along the line, I guess I got the idea that it was wrong, bad, something I should avoid at all costs. And being sick for a decade in my twenties never gave me an opportunity to question this.
I hate that I missed that decade. I’m ten years behind!
And marriage? My father drilled into me that I shouldn’t get married before I was thirty. And so I never went for it.
So here I am, thirty-freakin-eight, late to the game, and I took way too long to realize I wanted these things quite a lot.
I suppose if I have children now, I have a good fifteen years of experience of teaching and watching kids grow up. And I’ve done a lot of living, so I can’t help but hope that will make me a better mother.
Part of me keeps thinking that I need to explore and consider what I want to do if I don’t end up having kids. If I don’t meet the one and get married, I can bear that, but I’m not sure I could bear not having kids.
But backup plans have never been my thing. For me, a safety net would be the same as planning for failure.
I spent a lot of time this summer exploring myself and exploring Tucson. It was wonderful, but this year is just heads-down and work.
Terror has its uses. It’s good fuel for productivity. 
What was your most terror-filled birthday? How’d your year after that work out?
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Natasha Fondren is a writer traveling the U.S. in a camper with her four cats. She is currently enjoying the lizards and desert heat in Arizona.
My most enjoyable birthday was my 40th. I had a great time. 50 was not very pleasant.
Oh cool, Charles! I think I’ll cherish each one as soon as I have kids.
Overall I’d say my forties were the best time — I was even in better shape than in my twenties — for me so you’re not over the hill. But as for kids….being a man I obviously can’t put myself in your place. Kids are a crapshoot. I don’t think it is all nurture. So you might do your best and be disappointed. I sure wouldn’t want to be dealing with a teen in my fifties.
Eric, that’s funny! I feel better now than I ever have, in great shape, and I expect the same will be true for me: that I’ll be in the best shape of my life in my forties. LOL! Yeah. I love teens best, but at least I know what to expect.
Hope your birthday was happy despite the terror factor, if that’s possible! Those moments of life-fear have so much more to do with where we are than with how old we’ve gotten… my scariest birthday thus far was actually when I turned 23, clearly not a number to be worried about.
I’m still ambivalent on kids, and I’m realizing that if I do decide I want children, it may be too late at that point to have them biologically. But I think those who feel called to be parents will find it in their lives, even if it’s not by having their own kids.
Thanks, Mary! Honestly, I felt much better when it was over. What made 23 scary?
I was a teacher for 15 or so years, but I’d much rather have my own kids.
As usual, I am several days behind with my commenting… eh.
At 22, I was working abroad for an NGO, and my coworkers were mostly fresh out of high school, planning these great things for when they started their “real lives” in college. And I was realizing that I wasn’t totally happy with the choices I had made. I think I’d decided 23 = adult, and I hadn’t yet learned that, in some ways, you never really feel like you’ve grown up. It’s all a process.
Aargh! I missed your birthday! Happy late birthday, my friend! Actually, Happy Birthday in a late manner.
Wow! I think 30 was my worst – I was still freelancing, I wasn’t in a healthy relationship, and hadn’t won a full time orchestra job yet. And 30 was sort of the turning point where you can no longer consider yourself “really young”, so you run out of some excuses right there.
I say GO FOR IT if this is what you want to do! That’s why there are sperm banks, hon!
Also, do NOT worry about age; you can always adopt later (although I do understand wanting to be pregnant and birth your own child). I don’t think you need a partner necessarily, but you DO need a good network of people to support you. If you are close to good friends and family, that’s great!
I know it’s hard…but trust that things will work out, that the Universal strata has a place for you in it that might not be what you can foresee or control. But keep dreaming!!
xo
I sent you a happy birthday wish but i don”t know if you got it.I am so proud of you.You only wi eghed 3lbs 6 oz they had to cut my stomach 8 inches.The DR said it was either me or you I said save my baby. I was all alone while I was pregnant with you some day I will tell you my said of the storie remember theirs always two sides.I made that decision for you but we both made it.I would give my live for you any day.So cherish everyday.HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Happy birthday month, Natasha! (Yes, I celebrate mine the entire month…the hubs is getting used to it.) May God bless you and lead you and give you assurance that you are on the path that only YOU can walk.
Hi there , I am making a site like youtube and some of your original articles would really fit in well. Am I allowed to copy your website?
No thank you.