It’s Not Normal.
There is a photo that haunts me. I can’t find it. I scoured the internet. Even days after it was posted, I lost it, and now it’s been a year. I remember it vividly. I can’t get it out of my mind.
It is a room full of people, and all the people are looking at a TV screen. The photographer captured the very moment when they received the good news: the whole room is caught mid-cheer, mid-jump. One woman, on the left side of the picture, has a fist raised high over her head, and her expression is ecstatic.
There are many people celebrating in this picture but the woman is the one who haunts me. She is so happy. In my whole life, I have never seen a woman this happy before. Ever. She is overjoyed, ecstatic, beyond thrilled. Even beyond the joy of a mother when she first holds her newborn baby.
Not even a thousand words can evoke the happiness on her face.
Her face is even more joyous than this one:
Or this one:
Or even the child laughing in this one:
I have listened to many people this past year. I am trying to understand that woman, because the photograph captures the precise moment when the results were in for Prop 8.
I have listened, and what it always comes down to for those who are against same-sex marriage is “it’s not normal.”
That’s when I realized that two women walking hand-in-hand is normal to me. Two men kissing is sweet to me. When I see a same-sex couple publicly expressing love for each other, I am touched; I don’t feel the need to look away.
Love is always beautiful. Even “ugly” people are transformed when they are in love. It is why brides always look beautiful.
I guess this is because I know and have known gay people. In my world, it is just as normal to be gay as it is to be straight. I am surprised that this is not the case for the majority of Americans. I am surprised at how many people have not seen same-sex couples interact normally, on a day-to-day basis.
That’s when I think the only hope is for people to see same-sex couples loving each other. Again and again. That’s when I realize the power of television, or the power of movies. That’s when it also makes me sad that more brave men and women will have to risk their jobs and even their lives before the majority of Americans will see same-sex marriage as “normal.”
And about the children: The evidence is overwhelming that children of same-sex couples fare just as well as children of heterosexual couples.
I keep going back to the woman’s joy in the picture. I keep giving her a backstory. I imagine she is on the brink of divorce and she thinks her fight to “save” marriage will save her marriage. I give her kids. I sometimes give one of them cancer, whose survival is dependent on this woman remaining married to her husband who provides health insurance. I make her life worse and worse, because only then can I understand the sort of transference and scapegoating and delusion that has led her to be so joyous at depriving others of a very normal and a very it-harms-none happiness.
I close my eyes and see the woman in the photo and she looks like a hundred other mothers. She is probably a great mother. Probably she’s pleasant to be around. Probably she’s enthusiastic and charming. Probably she is energetic and charismatic. Probably I would like her if I didn’t know.
The worst of it is that certainly she believes she is making the world a better place. Certainly she feels safer. Certainly she is proud of what she has done, considers it one of the achievements of her life, her contribution to making the world a better place.
Most pictures of Prop 8 and similar supporters are serious. They pretend, at least, to be slightly regretful, as if they are doing this for the good of all. Those are schooled expressions, the expressions of people who have taught themselves to appear proper.
But this one woman, this one photograph, captured the raw truth.
That scares me. I have no idea how to explain to her that voting against same-sex marriage will not make her life better, will not make the world a safer place for her or her children, will not protect her from the evils in this world. I am sorry she is afraid, but this is not the cure.
I wish this picture would haunt her. I wish she would study it as deeply as I’ve studied hers. I wish she would try to relate with the people in these pictures as much as I’ve tried to relate with her.
Because when I recall the expression on her face, the only thing I can think is that the kind of joy she feels is just not normal. The pleasure she derives from preventing the sacred and holy union of others is just not normal.
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Natasha Fondren is a writer traveling the U.S. in a camper with her four cats and husband. She spends summers camped near her niece, because, well, her niece is her favorite girl on the planet.
Great post, Natasha. Every word. Absolutely great.
Aw, shucks, Stephen! Thanks!
Agree with Stephen. I don’t get people like that, either.
Edie, I’m having trouble, for sure!
I totally agree. Most of the people I know here in the Bible Belt disagree with same-sex unions because their religion tells them to. I don’t understand why anyone should care what anyone else does as long as it’s not hurting anybody. I don’t care if your spouse is black, white, fat, skinny, male or female…it’s YOUR business…NOT MINE!
Amen, Erin!
It’s very, very sad.
Anissa, I find it heartbreaking.
*sigh*
Thank you.
I’m sighing, too, Sarah.
I’m with Sarah. I big sigh.
I hear you, Paul.
This made me cry. The pictures did it, about being so happy, even happier than the pictures you had there and when I got down to the Prop 8 statement, I just burst. Now I need to collect myself. Concepts don’t usually get me this fast and now I can’t lie about it because I just admitted it to the web. Great post.
Aw, thanks, Christina. That picture has totally haunted me. It’s made me cry, too!
Great essay. I do think you are too kind to the monstrous creature in that photo. There are too many people who take joy in harming others. Who love to hate. Don’t you suppose she would have been just as gleeful seeing the trains departing for Auschwitz? But there are less of her, I believe, than there used to be and maybe one day her kind will be extinct and the race will be fully human.
Eric, yeah, but… I don’t know. The scary thing is that good people do things that, at first, make me think them monsters. And it’s so prevalent. I don’t know what to think.
Wow, this is really powerful. The build-up to saying that her joy was over Prop 8 really did me in. I just cannot understand people like this. To then add that joy on top of it. Just no.
I know, Melanie! The joy just kills me. I can’t get that picture out of my mind!
In my pursuit to try not to think about marriage, I’m doing a lot of thinking about writing. So I have nothing to add to the content of your post.
The writing, though, was…unbelievable. This is the best piece of prose I can remember reading since…Requiem for a Dream, which is the best-written thing I’ve ever read in my life. Honestly. Your buildup to the revelation of the source of the woman’s joy, the hollow repetition and lack of conclusiveness in your final paragraph, the varied tones throughout the post, it’s all magnificent.
Your story about Tommy the spider was good, but this? This is madness. This is a tour de force of skill.
You can’t call me a “genius-poet” until I write something half this good. Sheesh. Where do you stow all of this ability in that tiny trailer?! XD
Aw, Joey! Me? Ability? LOL! You sure made my week! But seriously, I believe you already write better than I do.
The juxtaposition of the joy in the lady’s face with the grief she helped cause is something I’m still trying to reconcile. I just don’t get it. It struck me a year ago, and I tried to write this post a year ago, but I couldn’t. So it’s been gnawing at me for a year, and Maine tipped me over the edge.
Well said, Natasha. I agree with you 100%. I’ll never understand the attitude of some people. What people do in the privacy of their own homes/lives are their business and no one else’s. I fully support Prop 8 … mostly because I too have a number of friends who are gay and because I feel its important for the peace of mind of those who wish to make their union permanent.
I think you’re confused. If you support marriage equality, you were AGAINST Prop 8 in CA last year, and Question 1 in ME this year.
Totally, Liz! I don’t understand why we, as a society, feel the need to get into other people’s business and judge.
Oh man, Joey, I can’t stand that! Why must they be so confusing about it? Oh, yeah, I know why. *sigh*
I think this post is going to haunt me. I convince myself at times that we’ve come farther than we actually have. And this is BEAUTIFULLY written. Thank you.
Thanks, Heather! I know, you know, there’s a sign that some picketers had… gosh, what was it? I can’t remember, but it was something to the effect of, “I can’t believe we still have to picket for this.”
This post gave me shivers. I didn’t see the reason for the woman’s intense joy coming. It was scarier than a horror movie. At least creepier. *shivers again*
What I find creepiest about it, Robin, is that she strikes me as relatively normal, you know? I have not met one person against same-sex marriage who has been regretfully against it.
God I’m on the same page with so many people today. I almost posted (but didn’t in a weak moment) on FB asking if someone who sincerely believes against marriage for gays could try to make me understand their view. I would swear to just listen (though I can’t swear I won’t judge, or that we’ll walk away friends). I can’t understand it. It makes absolutely no sense to me.
But then, most of my FB peeps are pro-marriage for everyone, so it probably wouldn’t do any good anyway.
I am trying, Bets, but I’m not succeeding. I think if we can all understand each other, we might make some headway. But then I lapse back into judgment.
Natasha–I linked to this post from my blog today. I just think it’s beautiful.
Aw, thanks, Heather! I love your blog! I’m so glad I found it!
Nicely written, Natasha.
I don’t know, when I think up a backstory for people these pleased at someone else’s misery, it’s not nearly as nice as yours is… but then, maybe if everyone was as empathetic as you, we wouldn’t still be fighting over a right that’s clearly given to EVERYONE by our own constitution… eesh
Merry, I’ve known good people in my life who have “bad” beliefs or do “bad” things. I lapse into judging them, but I think I have to keep understanding them if we’re to build any sort of bridge.
Bravo!
Thanks, Reenie!
“Love is always beautiful.” –> amen.
It sure is, Katie.
A thoughtful post.
I usually get hammered online about my personal viewpoint about gay marriage, simply because people don’t like it (narrowmindedness I guess), but here goes.
This is my personal viewpoint on same-sex marriage and has only changed very recently.
While I don’t like same sex marriage, I’m realistic enough to understand that it will become the norm in today’s world and I can accept that. The only real problem I have is using the word marriage. To me, the word marriage means a union between a man and a woman, and that is the only part of my viewpoint that will never really change.
I’m sure I’m gonna get hammered for this by you good folks here, so if it’s all the same to you, I will make my exit from here for a while, because while I would simply love to respond to each and comment thrown my way, this blog is someone else’s personal property and I intend to respect this person’s personal property by not responding to your heartfelt comments thrown my way.
Hi G,
Sorry to hear you won’t stick around for the replies.
I am one of the few people who managed to get married before Prop 8 passed. So this is coming from a woman legally married to a woman (in a small number of states and some foreign countries).
I have no problem with a compromise where ‘marriage’ becomes a religious institution and all legal aspects are removed from it. Then the contract with the state and the feds where two people join together can be called civil unions or something – as long as it’s equal protection under the law whether the couple is gay or straight.
If there is such a strong feeling among enough straight religious people that they need this word reserved for their unions, that’s fine. But we need a separation of church and state here.
What I am seeing, however, is that there seems to be more to it than just reserving the word marriage for straight couples. Loving vs. Virginia passed in 1967 and still there are people in power who refuse to marry interracial couples – 42 years later. Prejudice is alive and well in this country and that’s hard to stamp out when treating part of our citizens as less than in the eyes of the law is an ‘acceptable’ norm.
G,
I’m happy with respectful conversation. We have to listen to each other if we’re to build a bridge.
Why do you have a problem with the word “marriage”?
My niece isn’t my niece, but she calls me “aunt.” If a person builds a building in a tree and calls it their “house,” does that bother you?
We’re so unprotective of so many words in our language. Why does this one word need to be protected for you? What’s at the root of that? I really want to know.
Sarah, I guess I would support a compromise IF all legal “marriages” were civil unions, EVEN those between a man and a woman. (That might have been what you meant, LOL, I just wasn’t sure.
I don’t think separate but equal is equal–history has proven the opposite.
I could live with the whole “civil union” thing, in that case, but I don’t prefer it. It would be the government kowtowing to religion, and I am very afraid of giving religion any more political power. I don’t know, though.
Beautifully said, Natasha…every heartfelt word.
Using a different word than marriage is not equality. It is just as demeaning as insisting that interracial couples use a different word to describe their unions.
I find it extremely interesting that *exactly* the same arguments being used against gay marriage today (and in some cases, the exact same bible verses and religious justifications) are the ones used to oppose interracial marriage in the Jim Crow days.
Thanks, Darcy!
I have the same feeling about the word. And you’re right… but did you know that just last week (or so) a judge in North Carolina refused to marry an interracial couple out of concern for the children?
I feel like we are doing a huge seven steps backward or something!
I think he was a Louisiana justice of the peace.
Just sayin’.
You’re right! Now I remember thinking it was Glenn’s birth state.
A very thoughtful post. Well written and makes a point and kind way.
My daughter, who is gay, is often separated from her girlfriend on holidays. Although she is welcome to bring her girlfriend to my house, I’m a good 10-12 hour drive away – so she’s only done that once.
I find it most frustrating the number of people who think she ‘chose to be gay’! I explain that if we could all so easily choose who we fell in love with, we’d all be married, to sweet, considerate, wealthy, perfectly fit and healthy mates!
I get it, Lisa. I might not be gay, but I am kinky, and I couldn’t turn it “off” in a million years. It just is. It will never “go away,” LOL.
And man, I really wish I’d gotten the “wealthy, perfectly fit and healthy” mate!