My year in Facebook statuses:

And every few years, I post my favorite blessing for the New Year by Neil Gaiman. I don’t really have any resolutions this year, and to be honest, I want everything in his benediction—especially to kiss someone who thinks I’m wonderful.

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art—write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. May your coming year be a wonderful thing in which you dream both dangerously and outrageously.

I hope you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and you will be liked, and you will have people to love and to like in return. And most importantly, because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now—I hope that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind. And I hope that somewhere, in the next year, you surprise yourself.”

Isn’t that the best ever? Here he is, reading it.

And what is your wish for the new year?

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Barnes & Noble keeps emailing me and asking me to comb through the hundreds (thousands?) of blog posts I’ve made in the last ten years or so to change all my links to Borders to links to Barnes & Noble.

As I posted on Facebook:

I don’t have time, I don’t care, and I LOVED Borders. I do not love you. I grudgingly appreciate that you’re still in business. Please do not mistake that for the eleven year—oftentimes daily—relationship I had with Borders based upon my love, devotion, and gratitude. Not to mention the memories, which I treasure. I will always miss Borders. The links stay as they are.

Borders has always been my home and my refuge. I’ve often said it was more a house of worship than any house of worship has ever been to me. All those books, so much information, and always the hope they hold the solution I desire, the knowledge I want, the inspiration for my writing, or just an escape from my problems.

And then there’s the community of people in the café. I miss knowing I can go to Borders and be among friends. I have a great café I go to, but it’s not the same, not even close. I love it, it’s awesome, and it’s the best café ever, but I don’t have a “circle” like I did at Borders.

When Barnes & Noble emailed me again yesterday, I got all sad, probably because it’s the holiday season, and with Tucson being my new home where I’ll be mostly alone during the holidays, I miss Borders especially.

It’s not only the people: I loved the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, too.

I miss Borders soooooo much.

But I think I’m going to rent a little shed and install a treadmill desk. How cool is that? I can’t wait. I’ve been wanting one for years, and I just don’t have time to do two hours of walking every night anymore, so I need to get my exercise in another way.

Do you miss Borders?

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BUT… I got a puppy! A puppy! A puppy!

When he walks beside me, he sorta bounces happily up and down. It is SO cute. You wouldn’t believe what a good dog he is. In the store, he never tired of interacting with the visiting people, BUT he wasn’t crazy excited, either; he was calm and relaxed.

I got a dog because I always planned to when two of the cats died. Thankfully, they didn’t die, but they’re going to the ex. And I wanted a dog of my own to grin at me and keep me company on my walks. I walk a lot, so why not have a dog?

My biggest fear was that I’d feel tied down, and I’d want to go and do things, but I’d have to worry about letting puppy out. As it turns out, I can’t wait to get home to puppy.

Who wouldn’t want to rush home to unconditional love and adoration? He is SO excited to see me. When I wake up, he RACES across the room, like, “Mommy’s up! Mommy’s up! Mommy’s up!”

But last Wednesday or Thursday, when carrying him out in the morning, I fell off my top step and banged my head on the concrete. My arms were too busy protecting puppy to brace my fall. So I lost about three days of work to a slight concussion, and I was oddly dazed, disoriented, and confused for several days. I mostly slept. It was freaky and surreal. My brain is clear again, but I still can’t run or laugh without the headache returning, so I expect it’ll be awhile before I’m normal again.

He was SO good though: he just patiently and happily sat in my arms after the fall, like “that was an interesting way to exit the RV!” After a few minutes, I was able to utter a whimper, and he licked my face.

His name is Padfoot Atari Worf, or P.A.W. I couldn’t decide between the three.

I luvs the puppy so much! He’s a cutie, right? It’s not just my bias?

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I felt like I moved on in January or so, but a lot of his stuff was still here, so it didn’t feel as over as it was. I’m a minimalist and live in a small space, so it is a big difference to feel his stuff gone.

What’s weird is that with his stuff gone and two of my cats gone, I suddenly feel, to myself, like the person I was ten years ago. It’s almost as if the last ten years didn’t happen, except I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and teach a bunch of piano students.

It’s good.

Now I’m just working hard to save money so that I can have children. Loving the ebook production world, and trying to write enough so that I can pay all the bills with my royalties by January 2013.

Of course I want it all: husband, kids, love, sex, happy ever after. I’m real healthy and doing yoga—I feel in the best shape of my life—so I have a good amount of time left, but I can’t putz around. The new-fangled dating world isn’t for me, honestly. I’m focused on creating my happy ever after, and if a guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet, then a.w.e.s.o.m.e.

If not, then I can do most of it myself. I’ll make an awesome mom. My whole life has been preparing for this.

Isn’t it funny? If I could talk to my 20-year-old self, she’d be appalled that I’m not a full-time musician anymore and that all I want with my whole heart is a family.

I’m a little bit scared, but mostly excited. I’ve never wanted anything this much in my life. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get it. But then I’ve always been better at getting what I want if I don’t have a backup plan.

Have you been through a big split? Huge life change? Any advice?

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And on Petfinder, I accidentally tripped across an ad that said IF THIS DOG IS NOT ADOPTED BY 5PM IT WILL BE EUTHANIZED.

And I felt horrible.

I felt awful.

I could save a life, and I’m not. But it’s not the right dog, and I’m not ready today, but maybe I should be. I don’t know. I understand the workers do that because they want someone to save the dog, but it’s an awful thing to do.

And that led me to Tucson’s only No-Kill Shelter: HOPE.

And I thought, maybe, since we’ve all asked for and donated funds for our various causes over the years, that maybe, you might want to send them a dollar or two, if you can.

And I’m trying to work out this puzzle: if I adopt from a kill shelter, I save an animal from being euthanized, but I’m supporting a shelter that kills. If I adopt from a non-kill shelter, then I’m not saving an animal from euthanization, but I’m supporting a no-kill shelter.

How do you solve that puzzle?

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But I’ve done most all my changing. I’m usually happy. I love going to yoga, doing belly dancing, doing my work, etc. I can’t really think of anything within my control to change.

And so I think I’ve entered a period of my life where I’m on the right path; I just need to walk it.

I can’t even think of a resolution for my new year; I’m already on the path to all my goals.

The last year, my body has changed a great deal in reflection of the change in my mind and life. I don’t know what else to change, though. Something must need to, because I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m trusting that if anything else in me needs to change, yoga will make it happen.

Yoga does change me internally. It makes me feel so happy and joyful and loving, and focusing on work is easier. So I am relaxing and breathing and being present.

And being patient. (Now there’s a hard one!)

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This year, though?

I feel total terror.

I pretty much feel like the rest of my life, all my future possible happiness and worth as a human being, rides on how much money I make and what I manage to do in this next year—all so that I can have kids.

No pressure or anything.

I am so terrified, I can’t tell you.

Don’t Get Pregnant was drilled into me from a very early age, so somewhere along the line, I guess I got the idea that it was wrong, bad, something I should avoid at all costs. And being sick for a decade in my twenties never gave me an opportunity to question this.

I hate that I missed that decade. I’m ten years behind!

And marriage? My father drilled into me that I shouldn’t get married before I was thirty. And so I never went for it.

So here I am, thirty-freakin-eight, late to the game, and I took way too long to realize I wanted these things quite a lot.

I suppose if I have children now, I have a good fifteen years of experience of teaching and watching kids grow up. And I’ve done a lot of living, so I can’t help but hope that will make me a better mother.

Part of me keeps thinking that I need to explore and consider what I want to do if I don’t end up having kids. If I don’t meet the one and get married, I can bear that, but I’m not sure I could bear not having kids.

But backup plans have never been my thing. For me, a safety net would be the same as planning for failure.

I spent a lot of time this summer exploring myself and exploring Tucson. It was wonderful, but this year is just heads-down and work.

Terror has its uses. It’s good fuel for productivity.

What was your most terror-filled birthday? How’d your year after that work out?

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My last year?

I’ve found a new passion that nearly equals my passion for music. (Okay… well, maybe 60-70%, and considering, that’s pretty awesome.) I’ve always had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to be a polyglot someday, and it seems the time to pursue that someday has arrived. I’m learning Spanish now, as well as playing with etymology and Latin. French or Italian is next.

I have a whole new business! And wow, I’m thankful for it every day. A year ago I was just beginning to plant the seeds, thanks to Mark Terry. (Incidentally, he’s doing a serial fiction series on his blog that’s definitely worth checking out!)

Also, I got on preventative asthma meds this year. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been in my life. I feel fantastic, and it’s enabled me to exercise a lot, which means I’ve lost 45 pounds. And yoga! And belly dancing! LOVE!

I’ve learned how to be happy in the last year, and although many changes have challenged that happiness, I’m learning (with setbacks, LOL) to treasure the messy stuff and keep an open heart and mind.

Good stuff always comes out of the messy stuff. Look at chocolate. And ice cream. And sex. And relationships. The best stuff is messy.

Change, change, change… if I could sum up my life in the last two years, I would use the word change. It’s been a roller coaster ride, and I’m getting a little nauseous.

Today I read that if we become quiet and flow like water, life straightens itself out without effort.

My default is often to shake my life up and pursue change, and while that’s fun, I might just use the above as my mantra as we head into winter.

What have you harvested this year?

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We need a word that means, “I am so glad and happy for you that you have X, and I want X, too.”

Jealousy and envy have such negative connotations in our culture. There has to be a word that means envy in a very positive way. In almost every discussion of envy or jealousy, people not only focus on the negative aspects, but they never address the fact that there is a positive and related emotion.

Corinthians says that love is patient and kind and does not envy.

That’s not true. Sure, love does not envy in a way that is negative, but even in love, you can be happy for someone and glad they have that something, and also wish you had that something too.

Longing doesn’t quite do it, does it? It’s not as negative as jealous or envy, and it’s a bit archaic in popular usage… but maybe it needs a new life.

What words do you want in the language?

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There was one on learning to speak Chinese that I poured over; also one on reading palms, LOL, that I was fascinated by. Many travel and history books, too.

Then we had the stereo down there as well, and my favorite thing to do was to put on classical music and dance in the wide open space. I don’t think I ever let anyone see me dance, but I would dance all day long down there.

And then, best of all, hidden under the stairs, were boxes and boxes and boxes of old National Geographic magazines.

I spent many afternoons POURING over them. To me, they were the most magical things ever. I wanted to travel to all the places they featured! I wanted to see all the animals they showed!

I cried when they were sold in a garage sale after my dad died.

So I’m now lusting over this: every issue of National Geographic from 1888 – 2009.

How. Cool. Is. That?

Where was your magical place growing up? What did you do?

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