Natasha Fondren

I was late taking Padfoot on a walk today. It was, in his opinion, unpardonable. I now have no shoes, save an unmatched pair, which I’m declaring a new style.

I still luvs him. We went to a Border Collie meetup, and I realized how much he’s grown since I last posted:

He looks so dejected there! He’s not, I swear:

I’ve been dropping everything lately to work 24/7, but it ends up with me so frazzled and burnt out, that I’m not sure this is the best strategy for getting the most done. So I’m going to try to do more writing. And so I’ll be starting a new blog in the next few weeks, answering self-publishing questions. I’ve already started, storing away all my email responses so I can make a better FAQs for my clients.

What self-publishing/formatting/design/copy editing questions do you have?

It’s so easy to take life for granted. I’m so lucky to have my asthma under control, and there are such great meds now that it’s a total non-issue, save once every year or two. And I’m so healthy now. I’m strong and I can do as much activity as I want. It’s a blessing every day, but it’s so easy to forget.

Yesterday I had an asthma attack, which is an interesting experience. When you’ve got minutes of oxygen between you and death, what’s important in life becomes crystal clear.

What it means to live, why live, and what’s important have been on my mind for a lot of my life. Death being a part of my life growing up, and the time I spent struggling to just live and be healthy in my twenties, not to mention asthma attacks in my thirties (and a concussion!) forcing me to stare death in the face, have all taught me that it all really comes down to love.

The article, The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, has been making the rounds lately. When I’ve been around people who have died, I’ve noticed there’s a place of pure peace and pure love that they reach.

The only other time I’ve seen that kind of love and clarity is from mothers. There seems to be a period of time when they’re so swollen with love for their unborn or recently born baby, that they don’t have room for petty issues or anger or resentment. They know what’s important: they just LOVE.

Forgiveness is unnecessary. It’s like you reach a point where no matter what someone has done, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even register, not even as the tiniest breeze on the tip of your finger. You just reach a point where it’s all just acceptance and love.

(Somewhere between the panic and tears, ROFL…)

But in the daily grind of things, those big lessons we learn along the way of life are forgotten, and petty issues grow bigger, and we start keeping mental spreadsheets of giving and getting, of faults and grievances, and who did what or didn’t what.

In the end, you don’t care about any of that, or even about the love you’ve gotten; you only want to give more love.

Last night reminded me how lucky I am, and that I want to live—live, not just live—and that I want to love more. And life is too precious to even bother thinking about the small stuff, let alone sorting out whether you want to sweat it or not.

Also, most of the big stuff is actually quite small.

Today is International Women’s Day. This year’s theme is “Connecting Girls, Inspiring Futures.”

Growing up, I was tomboyish and determined to be as good as or better than any boy. In first grade, even, I remember racing some boy to the playground for some forgotten reason.

I was raised to put career first and that the worst thing in life was to end up “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.”

While I hold a bit of resentment for that brand of feminism—I fantasize about being in the kitchen with a passel of children tearing through the house, and it’s better for a woman’s career to do children first and then have her career—I believe women should have equal choice, equal pay (why hasn’t that happened yet?), equal respect, equal rights, and control of her own body.

This is awesome, and from a Republican!

I’ve been working nonstop lately; made myself sick this weekend, but that’s okay. Building a new workflow and testing and developing for Kindle Format 8 has been a ton of extra hours into the schedule lately, but I love it.

I sometimes need to shut down and go into my own little world, where it’s just me and the markup, or me and the edit, or me and the book I’m working on. If I slow down and focus, I love my job to pieces.

This little musing was prompted by a picture I came across at allthatinspires.me. It made me smile, and since I haven’t had time to blog, I thought I’d post it:

I believe that’s absolutely true.

What do you think?

It’s been quite a year. To sum up, I’m glad it’s over, I’m happy at how I’ve changed my life, I’m tired of change, I’m thrilled at how well my eBook company, the eBook Artisans^TM, is doing, I love my job, I’m sad I didn’t—as Neil Gaiman says—kiss someone who thinks I’m wonderful, and I GOT A PUPPY!

My year in Facebook statuses:

And every few years, I post my favorite blessing for the New Year by Neil Gaiman. I don’t really have any resolutions this year, and to be honest, I want everything in his benediction—especially to kiss someone who thinks I’m wonderful.

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art—write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. May your coming year be a wonderful thing in which you dream both dangerously and outrageously.

I hope you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and you will be liked, and you will have people to love and to like in return. And most importantly, because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now—I hope that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind. And I hope that somewhere, in the next year, you surprise yourself.”

Isn’t that the best ever? Here he is, reading it.

And what is your wish for the new year?

I don’t remember if I made a proper post about Borders closing. Probably I did. But I’m still grieving. I know, it’s ridiculous, and there are plenty of people with much worse to grieve about, especially during the holidays.

Barnes & Noble keeps emailing me and asking me to comb through the hundreds (thousands?) of blog posts I’ve made in the last ten years or so to change all my links to Borders to links to Barnes & Noble.

As I posted on Facebook:

I don’t have time, I don’t care, and I LOVED Borders. I do not love you. I grudgingly appreciate that you’re still in business. Please do not mistake that for the eleven year—oftentimes daily—relationship I had with Borders based upon my love, devotion, and gratitude. Not to mention the memories, which I treasure. I will always miss Borders. The links stay as they are.

Borders has always been my home and my refuge. I’ve often said it was more a house of worship than any house of worship has ever been to me. All those books, so much information, and always the hope they hold the solution I desire, the knowledge I want, the inspiration for my writing, or just an escape from my problems.

And then there’s the community of people in the café. I miss knowing I can go to Borders and be among friends. I have a great café I go to, but it’s not the same, not even close. I love it, it’s awesome, and it’s the best café ever, but I don’t have a “circle” like I did at Borders.

When Barnes & Noble emailed me again yesterday, I got all sad, probably because it’s the holiday season, and with Tucson being my new home where I’ll be mostly alone during the holidays, I miss Borders especially.

It’s not only the people: I loved the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, too.

I miss Borders soooooo much.

But I think I’m going to rent a little shed and install a treadmill desk. How cool is that? I can’t wait. I’ve been wanting one for years, and I just don’t have time to do two hours of walking every night anymore, so I need to get my exercise in another way.

Do you miss Borders?

I am fiercely loyal. To a fault. So the other day, when a friend posted one of those super cute puppy videos, my gut reaction was “Pfffttt. I’m a cat person.”

BUT… I got a puppy! A puppy! A puppy!

When he walks beside me, he sorta bounces happily up and down. It is SO cute. You wouldn’t believe what a good dog he is. In the store, he never tired of interacting with the visiting people, BUT he wasn’t crazy excited, either; he was calm and relaxed.

I got a dog because I always planned to when two of the cats died. Thankfully, they didn’t die, but they’re going to the ex. And I wanted a dog of my own to grin at me and keep me company on my walks. I walk a lot, so why not have a dog?

My biggest fear was that I’d feel tied down, and I’d want to go and do things, but I’d have to worry about letting puppy out. As it turns out, I can’t wait to get home to puppy.

Who wouldn’t want to rush home to unconditional love and adoration? He is SO excited to see me. When I wake up, he RACES across the room, like, “Mommy’s up! Mommy’s up! Mommy’s up!”

But last Wednesday or Thursday, when carrying him out in the morning, I fell off my top step and banged my head on the concrete. My arms were too busy protecting puppy to brace my fall. So I lost about three days of work to a slight concussion, and I was oddly dazed, disoriented, and confused for several days. I mostly slept. It was freaky and surreal. My brain is clear again, but I still can’t run or laugh without the headache returning, so I expect it’ll be awhile before I’m normal again.

He was SO good though: he just patiently and happily sat in my arms after the fall, like “that was an interesting way to exit the RV!” After a few minutes, I was able to utter a whimper, and he licked my face.

His name is Padfoot Atari Worf, or P.A.W. I couldn’t decide between the three.

I luvs the puppy so much! He’s a cutie, right? It’s not just my bias?

If you’re my Facebook friend, this won’t be news to you: Glenn and I split up after ten years. It’s been a year-long process, but everything was wrapped up and finished today. Emotionally, we did a really good job of ending it. No fights or insults or uglinesses.

I felt like I moved on in January or so, but a lot of his stuff was still here, so it didn’t feel as over as it was. I’m a minimalist and live in a small space, so it is a big difference to feel his stuff gone.

What’s weird is that with his stuff gone and two of my cats gone, I suddenly feel, to myself, like the person I was ten years ago. It’s almost as if the last ten years didn’t happen, except I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and teach a bunch of piano students.

It’s good.

Now I’m just working hard to save money so that I can have children. Loving the ebook production world, and trying to write enough so that I can pay all the bills with my royalties by January 2013.

Of course I want it all: husband, kids, love, sex, happy ever after. I’m real healthy and doing yoga—I feel in the best shape of my life—so I have a good amount of time left, but I can’t putz around. The new-fangled dating world isn’t for me, honestly. I’m focused on creating my happy ever after, and if a guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet, then a.w.e.s.o.m.e.

If not, then I can do most of it myself. I’ll make an awesome mom. My whole life has been preparing for this.

Isn’t it funny? If I could talk to my 20-year-old self, she’d be appalled that I’m not a full-time musician anymore and that all I want with my whole heart is a family.

I’m a little bit scared, but mostly excited. I’ve never wanted anything this much in my life. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get it. But then I’ve always been better at getting what I want if I don’t have a backup plan.

Have you been through a big split? Huge life change? Any advice?